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Joined: 6/14/2002

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Sad Zippo is sad 6/21/2014 4:15:11 AM

Hello to you all,

I love this place for the anonymity, but also, because some of you, even though I don't know your names, nor have I seen your face, I consider friends. I know some of you veterans are around because it seems like we all lurk now, but there is something about this place that does draw us back now and then, and I think it's us. For many of us, this website gave us memories, good and bad. There were times of intelligent, and not so intelligent debate, times of celebration, comradery, and times of trolling and bashing. There were times we jested with each other and times of such flaming that threads were deleted. It's been a crazy place, but I value everyone who helped me feel less lonely in this world.

In 2004 I went off to school in Hawaii, 3000 miles from my home in the mainland, had no good friends, the ones I had made weren't the best choice, and only felt ever so accepted because of this place. I spent so much time here that I think I was addicted to it, and even took a break for a few weeks. I'm actually pretty sure I wasn't a big name on the boards back then, but then again I always felt my worth was low back then. It surprised me when some of you actually knew my name. I wasn't just the nerd kid who stood in the hallway, anonymous to the popular kids.

Then came the years where I was completely in love with a girl who did not love me back. I was torn apart, inexplicably depressed, manic even sometimes. I eventually overcame it, with her help actually <insertbestfriendever.jpg>, and became a better person, more independent, more defined by myself than anyone else. In the next 5 years I would meet and become infatuated with a couple other girls, both left me, and I mourned, but recovered. Eventually I met my very first on the reals girlfriend. We began in stride, laughing, smiling, enjoying each other's company. I took longer to fall in love with her than she did I, but we both fell in love, and for the next year we spent as much time together as we could. She lived far away, so our time together was limited, but it was grand. Then she moved closer, and we spent even more time together. It's here I think our love grew stagnant. We didn't hate, or even dislike each other, but nothing new was developing, no growth was being done, and so began our decline.

Not quite a year later we broke up. It devastated me. I immediately mourned for all the things we were going to do, but now wouldn't. Somehow I was able to appreciate the things we had done, but then a few weeks later my mind reversed and began mourning for the things I lost. Little did I realize, and little do I realize now, even though I do type this, is that those memories aren't lost, they are just from a past zippo's and past zippo's girlfriend's life. Neither of us are that same person anymore, and longing for those memories will never yield the results I want, because we can't go back to being who we were, we can only be who we are. As I write this, I think to myself that I would pay some serious dollars to go back to some of those times, because they were the best times of my life. To say I've lost those experiences is an injustice to her and me, because even if I never see her again, I have those memories. I fear I will forget them, and thank science for photography so that my underdeveloped brain (not literally, I just think I'm dumb sometimes) will not forget her smile, and all the smiles she made for me. Trust me when I say her smile is intoxicating, it breathes happiness unlike any other smile I know, and is contagious, causing a burst of happy chemicals in my brain. It is addictive and if I could have only one thing in the world right now, it would be for her to be here, with me, smiling due to anything. I seem fascinated with just one thing about her, but I'm sure all of you have been in love, and all of you can understand it's really about a collection of things that draws this love, but perhaps one thing symbolizes it.

Unfortunately, and perhaps this just part of the grieving process, I very recently began to mourn both what I lost in the past and in the future. I started to become depressed and manic again, so sad that she was doing the things we had planned to do, without me. I have not spoken to her in months, but I discover these things through mutual friends and facebook. Today I took what maybe was the last wall protecting me from reality down by unfriending her on facebook, solely as an act of self preservation. I hate to do anything out of such emotion. I've learned in my life any act I do out of such a magnitude of emotion ends up being a mistake. But after receiving the council of several trusted people I know, they agreed that, even though it is full of emotion, this decision for self preservation is more important than any consequence that unfriending her might have. I had to concede that just because we were still friends on facebook, does not mean we are friends in real life. We could be, but only after I learn to be myself again. I still live in a world where I see her through boyfriend eyes. I need to see her through an independent, self sufficient, self loving (more than just the wanking type), Zippo's eyes. Maybe then we can be friends, but maybe then we are so different that we don't draw a friendship between us. That makes me sad to say we wont be friends, but I have to believe it to be a real possibility. I have hurdles to jump before I can even consider the option of friendship. They include being able to do the things we planned together without her, if I friend her again in the future on facebook, I need to be able to follow her without getting sad, and to support her in any new relationship she ventures into. The biggest hurdle though is to be happy with myself even if she is not happy. Because that love is so addictive, and that love is strongest when she is happy, I tend to be happy only when she is happy, and honestly, only when I'm the one making her happy. To feel needed, unafraid a person will leave you because they will not get what they need elsewhere, is comforting. It creates stability in life, and I am a person who loves to know who he will come home to, who he will go out with, and who he can share everything with.

I make no illusions in my head that we will get back together. I can rationally see the things that broke us apart, and I know those probably are part of who each of us is. To imagine us together again is to imagine us as different people that can only exist in fantasy. So I do that then though, but instead of putting her face onto that person I love, I leave that face blank, open to be filled by someone else. I do not know who that someone else is yet, but it's a step forward in letting Zippo's girlfriend go, letting her be who she is, and a step forward in allowing me to become who I am.

I fear I have lost a friend who can push me to be a better person, and fear I will become stagnant, unmotivated to grow, learn new things, and gain amazing stories. I've had adventures in the last few months that would be considered risky, even dangerous. Not to reveal too much about myself, but these activities aren't inherrently harmful if the person is educated well. Not unlike mixing chemicals in a lab, or venturing into the woods with no trail. If you know what you're doing, you'll likely be fine, but the risk is there. Perhaps you accidentally pick the wrong chemical, or take a wrong reading on your compass. These stories I'm making are good, but I feel somehow that she is having better ones, because as I learned what she was doing, I only envied her and wished I was there with her. Not being there makes me feel worthless. And so I had to unfriend her, if only so that a part of me can lie to myself and think her adventures aren't as amazing as they seem. Maybe her adventures come to a halt. This is a lie though, but ignorance can be bliss.

I have to remember that she and I had good times, but those times belong to a past Zippo and past Zippo's girlfriend, and a current Zippo can't hold onto them praying they will return. I don't pray very much, as I don't believe in any sort of deity that can grant those favors, but when I do, I ignore that belief and have solace in that maybe something will help me get through this. I pray that I don't forget our good times. I made the mistake of not journaling about all our trips and adventures and now if I really want to remember them, I should journal now because it may be I forget things more frequently than I think. But to do that now would only raise a sense of loss, and a sense of longing to go back there in time, to where we loved each other dearly, to where we both smiled together at the ends of our adventures, to where we were almost one person made of two.

And again, this place, Essential Magic, still full of people I love I'm sure, is here for me, if only to express myself. I don't write this for attention, or to pass on my lessons learned, but merely out of expression. I love you, even though I don't know you, and you are irreplaceable. Thank you for reading this, I don't know how to express my gratitude for this place.

TLDR: I lost, to a breakup, the most authentic love of my life and now I mourn over everything, but am grateful for you, the eM user who comes here to be part of a community.


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Joined: 12/1/2001

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RE: Zippo is sad 6/23/2014 2:04:13 PM

Don't worry; Be happy. It gets better. I was once in your shoes and the eM community helped a lot -- if only to act as an escape from the cruel world of dating and other misadventures.

I think when I was in your shoes I felt the same way. Always wanting to remember the good times, write them down to always cherish them. But in the end what helped me the most was deleting everything from that relationship, contacts, pictures, emails, notes, everything. It's still with you, hell it made you who you are today. Your actions and experiences together will only help you find a person who is better fitted for you. We live to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. Your experiences are things that will never go away. Personally, it's healthier to move on than to worry about what could have been.

(WARNING: speaking from personal experience, taking these actions may or may not produce similar results... ;) )


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